Shadows of Doubt
by PearlyJammer
Summary: “You say it looks as though I might give up this fight.”


Title: Shaddows of Doubt  
  
Author: Autumn  
  
E-mail: dyslexic_crisco_penguin_fiend@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: PG=13, adult themes  
  
Summary: "You say it looks as though I might give up this fight."  
  
Author's Notes: The lyrics are from Fionna Apple's 'Never is a Promise'  
  
Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark.  
  
Staking a Claim: Of course I own the X-Men. I also own FOX, Marvel and Stan  
  
Lee.  
  
Notes 2: Really, really dark. Not something to read if you'd like to stay  
  
in a happy state of mind. Still with me? Okay, I warned you.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
You'll never see-the courage I know  
  
Its colors richness won't appear within your view  
  
I'll never glow-the way that you glow  
  
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you  
  
But as the scenery grows, I see in different light  
  
The shapes and shadows undulate in my perception  
  
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from different heights  
  
I understand what I am still too proud to mention-to you  
  
You'll say you understand, but you don't understand  
  
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye  
  
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie  
  
  
  
Logan, Magneto, David and Marie all reside in my head. That's a lot of  
  
personalities for such a small space, and it's starting to take its toll.  
  
I'm afraid of what the ultimate cost will be, but I know I can't avoid it.  
  
Three weeks after the battle at the Statue of Liberty was the first time it  
  
happened. I was playing foosball with Bobby, Remy, and Jubes when for no  
  
reason; I started bawling my eyes out. This went on for two days and I hid  
  
out in my room. I slipped further and further from reality, and for the  
  
first time I didn't really care to be alive.  
  
The hours dragged on, as despair ate away at my insides. It became  
  
unbearable, the voices, the rage and the hate. I decided I couldn't stay  
  
here any longer. Five minutes and thirty aspirin later I was wretching into  
  
a toilet. If my body hadn't perceived the medicine as a poison, I could  
  
have been lying in peaceful oblivion by now. So much for long term  
  
planning.  
  
The Logan in my head was extremely pissed and upset about the whole thing.  
  
He didn't understand why I would want to end my life when I had so much  
  
going for me. He told me I was beautiful and intelligent and sexy. I never  
  
believed him. How could I when deep down I know he was only saying that to  
  
make me feel better? In any case, it didn't work.  
  
  
  
You'll never touch-these things that I hold  
  
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own  
  
You'll never feel the heat of this soul  
  
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown-to you  
  
You'll say don't fear your dreams; its easier than it seems  
  
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high  
  
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.  
  
  
  
Erik knows what it feels like. The self-loathing, doubting and  
  
uncontrollable actions that come from hardcore depression. The mansion  
  
residents eventually picked up on my mood shift, but they never really  
  
understood what it was. Jean thought it was just longing for Logan to  
  
return. The Professor believed it was from juggling four personalities.  
  
Scott believed it was from a deep-seated need to vent repressed feelings.  
  
They all had a guess, but none were really close. In the end, I just  
  
changed in a lot of ways, for no real reason.  
  
Jubes became concerned when my daily ensemble consisted of a pair of  
  
sweatpants and a turtleneck sweater. She got really pissed when I laughed  
  
at her when she confronted me about it. It didn't bother me. Why should  
  
it? After all, how can you really care about someone's opinion of you when  
  
you already hate yourself more than they possibly could? Clothes were just  
  
a silly thing anyway. Something a mutant with deadly skin, a poison  
  
personality and unstable mind certainly didn't need to worry about.  
  
Logan kept growling at me and telling me I was wrong. I would have liked  
  
to believe him, but there really wasn't a point. That just seemed to make  
  
him angrier and my frequency of headaches became legendary. Logan was  
  
persistent in a lot of things. He hounded me about my lack of interest in  
  
things I had cared about before. He also threw a huge fit when I thought  
  
about giving up my goal of being a professional writer. He said I had four  
  
imaginations to work with, so I may as well use them. Eric and David agreed  
  
with this consensus. I came around as well, sure I was ugly, but maybe not  
  
as stupid as I had begun to believe.  
  
  
  
You'll never live the life that I live  
  
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night  
  
You'll never hear the message I give  
  
You say it looks as though I might give up this fight  
  
  
  
But as the scenery grows, I see in different light  
  
The shapes and shadows undulate in my perception  
  
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from different heights  
  
I understand what I am now too smart to mention-to you  
  
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand  
  
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why  
  
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am  
  
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry  
  
But never is a promise  
  
And I'll never need a lie  
  
  
  
In all honesty, I don't know how people live like this all the time.  
  
Self-doubt nagging at the back of their mind like a rabid dog. An  
  
unrelenting litany of should have's and could have's, and self-criticism  
  
raining down upon them. The way I see it there are only two ways to deal  
  
with it. One can either confront the source, or one can hide it from the  
  
world. I hope someday I'm strong enough to deal with this on my own terms.  
  
For now, I'll just have to listen to Logan and try to believe him. 


End file.
